| Let's pretend we're famous Hollywood movie stars. | | | | never-ending career and a marriage to one of the |
| You are, say, Angelina Jolie (who else would you be | | | | handsomest men on the planet, well, it's amazing you |
| with those pouty lips of yours?), and I'm Cloris | | | | can go to the bathroom without hired help. I'm not sure |
| Leachman . . . I can't help it, I always go for the giggles | | | | about that, though. Maybe you don't. |
| rather than the glamour. We met a year or so ago at | | | | I, though I don't have the children to concern me |
| a charity luncheon-Save the Doggies and the | | | | anymore-I, in fact, concern my kids these days more |
| Kiddies-and became instantaneous friends. We have | | | | than I'd ever be concerned by them-do have quite a |
| so much in common that it's no surprise we hit it off so | | | | hectic schedule. Just one major, ongoing television gig |
| well. | | | | and it's amazing how popular someone can get all |
| We've been e-mailing every day since, having morning | | | | over again, and how fast. Even you, my dear Angie, |
| coffee together whenever possible, and even | | | | said you'd watched me on Dancing With the Stars! |
| double-dating lately-since my current stint with Dancing | | | | How happy you made me when you said that. In fact, |
| With the Stars has made me bigger than ever, I can | | | | I'm happy that anyone is watching me these days. |
| have almost any man I want . . . and I have. Just ask | | | | Back to the holiday cards . . . how I do wander, don't I?! |
| me! Since we get along so famously, it's only natural | | | | We both decided we want to send them out this year |
| that we're now sharing a lot of our day-to-day lives | | | | but we couldn't figure out how we want to do it. After |
| with each other. | | | | much discussion-our IM'ing had moved into an |
| The other day, in fact, as we were Instant Messaging | | | | extended phone call; we would've just met for coffee, |
| each other, we got on the topic of Christmas cards. | | | | but you're in New Orleans right now and I'm here in |
| You, as everyone knows, have a very ethereal view | | | | Los Angeles-we came up with a workable plan. |
| of spirituality. As much as we've talked and shared, | | | | Our publicists will put together our lists from the |
| you've always been nebulous on this topic, even with | | | | always-being-updated databases they keep for us of |
| me. Imagine that-as if I'd tell anyone your secrets! | | | | all of our important contacts. Our assistants will buy our |
| Christmas cards, you said, were nice in theory. They | | | | cards . . . some neutral holiday scene will be good. We |
| didn't, however, have to be "Christmas" cards. I am | | | | figured it'd be best to instruct them to buy from an |
| Jewish . . . Christmas cards don't really work in my | | | | online printer and have our name engraved on the |
| religion, for obvious reasons. | | | | cards, so that signing thing wouldn't be necessary for |
| So we agreed, quite easily, that since we each like the | | | | each and every card. You, Angie, may have to pay |
| practice of sharing the spirit of the time with others, it's | | | | extra to list all those kids. That's a lot of engraving! |
| a nice thing to send out holiday cards, generic "happy | | | | Next, our assistants will pull out any cards they know |
| season to you" cards. It's a good-feeling activity. Yet | | | | we'll want to sign personally, and we can do that as an |
| we're both so busy, with lives that just never stop | | | | added thing, next to the engraving. Nice personal touch! |
| from dawn 'til waaay after dusk, it's hard to find the | | | | As long as there aren't too many of those, it shouldn't |
| time to actually do it all ourselves. After all, there's the | | | | take all that long, should it? Once that piece of the |
| selection of what cards to send, the list organizing (a | | | | process is completed, our secretaries can print the |
| never-ending task itself when you're in a business such | | | | labels-address and mailing-and get them all put |
| as ours), the signing of each and every card-if we | | | | together, put them through the postage machine and |
| don't sign one personally, you know, people will feel | | | | into the hands of the U.S. Postal System, and then . . . |
| slighted, the stamping, and the mailing. Quite a | | | | VOILA! . . . we have both taken part in a joyous |
| production, something worthy of an Academy Award | | | | holiday tradition. |
| for Holiday Cards, if there was such a thing. | | | | Wow, don't you feel much better now, having made |
| And you, Angie, with all those kids! My goodness. I had | | | | sure we've not shirked our community responsibility |
| four and thought that was excessive. You have six | | | | and spread good news and cheer all 'round? Gives |
| now . . . and you told me, in private, of course, that you | | | | you the warm fuzzies. And, my dear friend, Angelina |
| and your darling Brad want to adopt one more in the | | | | Jolie, we did it together. What festive people we are! |
| very near future. What in the world are you thinking? I | | | | . . . alas, tough break, though. I'm not Cloris Leachman, |
| guess you're definitely helping to solve the world's | | | | and you're not Angelina Jolie, so I guess we have to |
| homeless problem-one child at a time. | | | | do our own holiday cards this year. Who knows? |
| . . . Sorry, I was sidetracked. What was I saying? Oh | | | | Maybe next year, our 15 minutes of fame will have |
| yes, with all those children, having the time to personally | | | | arrived. Our ship will have come in. The Academy |
| send out holiday cards is unlikely. Add your | | | | Awards will be calling. Finally. |